The crazy blue-haired hag can whip off quips in three-line blips while clarifying life’s lumps. She drops little gems like, “Taking a scenic route is a great idea if your idea of scenery is the back of a Winnebago doing 20 miles an hour.” I’ve driven the Natchez Trace Parkway and felt the same way. That granny-geezer is a gas!
Maxine would probably pinch a nickel until the buffalo pooped, bled, passed, and degraded into a flit of nasal dust. But, she sometimes shows signs of class. I think she would love the Mercury Milan Hybrid.
It wouldn’t hurt her in the least to get a facelift. Mercury designers had the same thoughts about their dear Milan, although it went in for a minor skin abrasion and not the whole flip-n-tuck. The sedan was already a Euro-style beauty with its satin silver waterfall grille, trapezoidal taillamps, and handsome alloy wheels. For 2010, it receives a bit of a touch up with rounder front clips, bolder chrome grille, chin spoiler, and small round foglamps. Moving fashion forward, there are also new wheels, spoiler, and taillamps, but most of the body remains unchanged. Think more of Sarah Jessica Parker than Joan Rivers.
“I have inner beauty…and I have the video from my colonoscopy to prove it,” says Maxine. Milan Hybrids have their share of inner beauty and video to prove it. A cool LCD screen next to the speedometer “grows leaves” or takes them away to creatively show drivers how they are using energy. Rear sonar, parking cameras, and blind spot warnings employ more technology than three cynics could coddle. The technology is so cool that even Maxine’s dog Floyd would be standing at the door, nearly wetting himself, with keys in teeth. His master will step easy on the throttle to grow the most leaves.
There’s not enough power to get grandma’s bloomers in a wad, but she’ll have all she needs to scoot off to Florida for the winter while managing cash like Uncle Warren (Buffet, of course). Milan Hybrids sprint with a version of the Ford Escape Hybrid’s 2.5-litre four-cylinder Atkinson cycle engine, continuously variable transmission, and nickel-metal hydride batteries. Regenerative brakes and a more powerful motor allow the Milan Hybrid to drive up to 47 MPH on electricity alone, limiting gas consumption during city driving. Driven with geriatric slippers, range can touch 700 miles while demanding a gallon of fluids every 41 miles in the city or 36 highway miles. The meter hovered around 30-MPG during my drive that included city commutes and highway sprees. EasyFuel™ capless technology makes it so easy to fill up that even severely arthritic hands can handle it.
Interiors were updated with new-age Ford buttons and dials, available touch-screen controls for the navigation/climate/audio systems, thicker steering wheel, and digital dashboard with large center analog speedometer. Details like the seats and gear selector were enhanced with fancy French stitching to emulate the Milan’s upscale cousins at Lincoln. Hybrid models have a cool energy monitor function in the touch screen that shows what is being burned and replenished in real time – great for those who get giddy over counting their pennies and nickels.
Maxine may have to scale back the sarcasm for the Milan to understand her acid tone, but the car speaks with one of the most sophisticated infotainment systems rolling. Sync™, developed with Microsoft, hears voice-activated commands for the navigation and audio systems. Bluetooth connectivity lets drivers make hands free calls via their cell phone. Worried campers can even call up real time satellite weather to see if the daily bridge game or bell practice can go on as scheduled. All of these features add up to a mid-size entry-luxury car that gives owners a technological edge underneath and behind beautiful skin,
Even if you are looking at the backs of crawling Famlibagos, you’ll be getting fuel economy for Maxine to envy and hypermiling like a Wii game on the Milan’s LCD instrument display. Like Hallmark’s favorite hag, the Milan Hybrid is frugal, but brings joy and laughter by the mile.
Underneath it all, I’m sure she’s a sweetie – just like the Milan Hybrid. While I’d hate to bounce that woman’s scary mug in the morning, I wouldn’t mind seeing the Milan in my driveway. An as tested price of $33,735 makes the Milan a scary sight for the Toyota Camry Hybrid, Honda Insight, and Nissan Altima Hybrid. Somebody tell Maxine to hop off her shelf and get in the car.
